I would love to run a series of posts that simply ask readers to guess whether or not the information is from the Onion. Maybe this one is too obvious, but here goes.
Suggestions for Eliminating Food “Waste”
“Avoid impulse buying by only going to the grocery store for one ingredient at a time.
Hire an impoverished family to sit at your dinner table and guilt you into eating every last morsel.
Make sure to eat the oldest items in your fridge first, as listeria will deter you from additional grocery purchases for the next seven to 10 days.
Instead of buying a whole tub of strawberries and an entirely new can of whipped cream, use the remaining half can of tomato paste, last serving of chicken piccata, or whatever other leftovers you have in the fridge to spice up your love life.
Try not to prepare more food than you can eat, unless you are entertaining the Lady Carroway for supper and must impress her with your bounty.
Make use of expired food by reaching out to any neighborhood kids who can be dared to eat it for a few bucks.”